Baby Yoda is the Only Thing I Care About

The new Star Wars television show called the "Mandalorian" has hit America in the face with its faceless lead who hunts the galaxy for his next bounty, but none of that really matters because the only thing that matters about this dialogue void western space show is Baby Yoda. This is the cutest form of capitalism that could ever exist and I am no doubt despondent whenever that adorable alien form is not on screen. Baby Yoda has captured the hearts of America and has created such an overwhelming amount of meme that my heart literally cannot take it. Baby Yoda is the only thing I can think of during finals week. The grace, the beauty, the force is strong with this little one and almost ruins the concept of the whole show because the only thing I care about is that green little puppet that gives me life.

Baby Yoda has made me forget everything that is wrong with the world. Disney has really out done themselves this time. Just when you think you have relinquished that childlike wonder that makes you spend much dollar signs, they pull you right back into the trap. I am not even mad about it, that's how much I love Baby Yoda.

Bernie Sanders is Doing a Black Friday Deal

Bernie Sanders has been in the game for a while and he knows how to win our capitalist hearts that is why he is running a Black Friday deal for his campaign. Every dollar donated to his campaign earns you points towards "bernie bucks" which can then be cashed in for various prizes such as free health care for a year or a free Ben and Jerry's ice cream cone. This will only be happening through Black Friday so get your "bernie bucks" now!

Everyone loves prizes! Donate to Bernie Sanders today to win something you definitely should already rights to have! Like a livable wage or matching curtains! Its a new era of Bernie Sanders! He has paired up with Disney+, the Koch brother and many more to bring straight to the white house.

"I finally could buy a boat!" Bernie says from the top of his campaign boat. Bernie is hoping to take the NH Primary by firing tee shirts from a rocket cannon with various sponsors. He will fire them form his boat off the coast of Hampton beach. Bernie really knows the way into his audiences heart. Even with all this new information he is still a better choice than Pete Buttigeig!

I Didn't Feel Like *Trying* to Be Funny Today

Some days you just wake up and want to write about your feelings. Sometimes the real news is just something that makes sense to you. I mean that's why I have always wanted to write to make sense of something. Sometimes I am not really sure what I am trying to make sense of. I write for a work a little bit and I write in my free-time a little bit, but sometimes it just feels different and I don't really know why I was writing about other stuff before then. Passion is a hard thing to wrangle on demand, but when it comes it keeps you up all night listening to Miles Davis and trying to draw whatever is in your head on paper. *Note I said trying. That is when I realize that this is why I am alive to feel this. Yes, I will work and write school assignments and analyze what Shakespeare *really* meant when he had Othello murder his wife, but nothing is like this strange feeling I get on days when the snow is crashing down and I need to feel something. All I know is this blog is me attempting be something and I wanted this post to be about me, so here we go:

- I don't like being defined by money or age.
- My favorite book is most of them.
- I have worked since I was 14.
- College is either the best choice I have ever made or the worst and I am still not sure which yet.
- I've always done okay in school, but rarely cared about math, or science, even English.
- I never thought I was particularly good at anything, but not necessarily bad either.
- I am very susceptible to short feel good moments which is why I smoked (cigs), over ate, and spent too much money at music events.

There you have it my moody excuse for not being funny and giving random personal facts about me. I applied to graduate yesterday, scary stuff. I guess I a just thinking about what I have really done in the past four years. I think the answer is just destroy my body- fix my body- and learn bunches about things I will most likely forget probably before I finish paying off my student loans. Bright side is that I probably wouldn't change any of it.

Winter Is Coming

Recently turned New Englander here and I am concerned for the ever present change to winter. As a Southern California resident for my entire life I have never seen winter and am frankly terrified. When do the white walkers come?

Do New Englander's just live in little huts when the first snow falls? Are there dragons. I have no idea what to expect and every time I am in the office Deborah just says “Oh, Just you wait! You baby man!” I am frankly lost as what is to come for the upcoming snow. Do they purge? Will I be murdered in the street? How much milk and bread will I need? Every time a snow storm is on the news there is never any milk and bread left in the grocery store! Why? It’s so perishable!

For the upcoming winter I have prepared myself with the following items:

Chainsaw

Shovel?

Light saber?

I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen and Deborah really didn’t help. Please send someone.

Frozen Yogurt Isn’t Ice ream

You can hide under all the toppings you want but the fact is that frozen yogurt will never be ice cream and all of you players who say that it could be a sustainable replacement are liars.

“I just don’t understand when foods try to be other foods” says long time meat eating dairy consuming John.

Our world is under complete food substitution meltdown. We have lab grown meats trying to be meats, we have yogurt pretending to be ice cream, and we have condescending people saying that these foods are “better” without reading and ingredient list. The things is that things like ice cream and burgers should not be eaten all the time. It is how we establish healthy eating habits we eat more vegetables instead of junk. We eat lean proteins instead of red meat. Capitalism however, pushes us to eat like crap so then people are backed into a corner to make substitutes for the crap, that are well crap.

Wake up America and just eat a vegetable. It’s like vegetarianism is cool and fine but you can’t claim fame to health when you have Cheetos and cereal for every meal. Have a bean burger, they are delicious and are their own thing. They are not trying to be anything else. Yes, I understand that burger is in the name, but everyone knows they aren’t. They are a patty of delicious bean and spices. All I am saying is food just be food and we should not have to move through all this red tape to eat. Just eat healthy and have the occasional ice cream cone or burger on a special occasion.

Frozen yogurt is not ice cream and because you think its healthier does not mean you can eat it more. Just eat normal food the best you can in this GMO, pesticide filled world and stay away from things with massive ingredient lists that were grown in a lab and or hiding what they really are. Be smarter than your food.

Family of Four Puts Up Christmas Tree during Halloween Party

During a Halloween party the Smith's at the stroke of midnight decided that they would put their Christmas tree up at the stroke of midnight.

Drew the Father said " It's part of out tradition we have everyone over for a Halloween party and then we make them help put up our Christmas decorations- its just efficient."

Drew is right that is efficient, but the party turn-out has been declining for the past couple of years. Turns out no one wants to help the Smith's put up wedding decorations. We did interview some of the party guests and got these responses:


"I just don't understand why you want drunk people to put up your Christmas decorations. Also this is supposed to be a party." says Amy dressed as a sexy Pikachu.

"I left early" says Jeff dressed as Danny Devito.

"It was just really lame of them, they even made the kids put up decorations" says Haley ironically dressed as an elf.

This type of behavior has become more common among young folks. With internet memes upon us some people take them a little to literal, by actually decorating for Christmas the night of Halloween.

Boys are Forever Tied to the Woods Wizard

Child comes forward about spooky woods wizard that haunted them in the forest for years. Calvin H. and Brett T. were just two young boys when the woods wizard started to create trouble for them in the woods. Their parents thought it was just some homeless man d they didn’t permit kids into that part of the woods again. Naturally, children aren’t quick to follow their parent’s rules especially when the woods wizard knows magic.

one believed the two boys until Calvin brought Brett back but as a frog. No one believed the frog was Brett at first and the local town launched a missing person investigation. They didn’t believe Calvin, but it hardly mattered he held onto Brett, well into adulthood. Even though the lifespan of a frog is typically shorter Brett managed to live until old age. As a frog. Moral of the story, don’t mess with the woods wizard.

Millennials are Killing the Doorbell Industry

Doorbell sales are at an all time low as new generation ( generation X) is texting "here" rather than going up to the door and ringing the bell.

The sales of doorbells are going down at an alarming rate every year, how will people solicit politics or religion at your door without a doorbell?! We have a comment from a child who does not use a doorbell:

" I just don't feel the need to make a noise at the door when I can text my friend before entering his house. I don't want to see anyone else in the house. I text instead of ring the bell out of the slight possibility that my friend's dad will answer the door and I will have to make small talk." says twelve year old Ben from up the road.

Doorbells are an important part of society and we cannot have gen-x and gen-z ruining it for everyone else. They already obliterated the napkin, diamond, and housing industry. What is next? Oh when will the horror end?!

President Donald Trump Slays the Twitter Game

 As we all know our current president is a twitter god. With tweets like:

My goodness what a funny, intelligent, and witty remark! Our current president is slaying the twitter game and taking names. It seems that almost everyday he has something to say to brighten every one's day. Man is this guy the definition of happy and positive! He is the first president ever we have had the pleasure to know what he is thinking at times like 3 AM!

Our president is always kind and fair on twitter and cares about everyone in this country and has good faith in our legislation with tweets such as this:

Now those are the words of a man who has a lot of faith in his country! Not only that, but he is so great at keeping corruption out of his country, he tweeted out just days ago his great ability to keep corruption out because it is his duty!

There you have it folks our president is straight- up slaying these homies on twitter. He is easily the greatest tweeting president this country has ever had! 

Stephen King Is Not Clowning Around

Upon the new arrival of IT Chapter Two, a grueling 3 hour movie about a clown stalking adults there is yet another clown reboot movie. Can you guess? Joker, of course and boy is this movie getting hyped up. The new Joker movie is already getting Oscar chatter and Stephen King is pissed.

Stephen King best-selling author clocking in at about 84 books and several movie adaptions in his lifetime is entering into the battle of the clowns. " I am going to keep making clown stories until they are begging me to take their stupid Oscar." he stated after seeing the sub par reviews of his new IT movie. Like a review by Federico Furzan saying:

"The second chapter fails again. The TV adaptation didn't work. Now it fails to do so with unnecessary flashbacks and a dependence on visual effects."

Stephen King is over it and has been seen in full clown make-up roaming the streets calling for yet another reboot. He has been seen viciously writing a new clown novel in the hopes that it will not be adapted as a television movie. 

With multiple movie adaptions King is seeking blood for his Oscar. He will stop at nothing to maintain his superiority over the scary clown story. 

Welcome to the Party

Hello!
This is a satirical blog that will give you a humorous incite into politics and various other topics. I try not to take myself too seriously and hope you don't either. I want to have fun on this blog and maybe get a little experimental. I am very much into meta-modernism as well as avant-garde artists such as Frank Zappa. I ask you to read this blog with an open-mind and try to have fun!

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